Before I begin writing this I should specify that
the adult domestic life that I am currently inhabiting is not my own. I've
stolen it temporarily from my parents. I'm basically a glorified squatter for
this Christmas holidays and as such I am able to benefit from all the amenities
that full fledged adult hood can provide for you. To understand the dramatic
transition I have made you must first understand my current living situation:
*Disclaimer #1: I realize that it is no longer
Christmas. I wrote this in December and am just posting it now. I’m not a liar. I’m just lazy.
*Disclaimer #2: I'm about to go into a rant about my life. If you want to skip this please scroll down to the part where the letters get all bold and exciting.
*Disclaimer #2: I'm about to go into a rant about my life. If you want to skip this please scroll down to the part where the letters get all bold and exciting.
RANT: I spend the majority of my days sharing a 12 by 15 ft bedroom with a large bearded Kiwi and a skinny ginger stoner (both lovely
people) in a dilapidated building in Scotland. Our idea of home renos and
improvements consist of said stoner inventing some kind of contraption that
will allow him to access his xbox controller without having to leave the
sanctuary of his top bunk. There are fairy lights running in a Pac Man like
pattern down the ceiling that diverge strategically around a dead shag fly. I
think this may count as art. The chorus of the night has three parts and they
go as such: The tenor comes in first from the hallway as Spaniards shout excited
and heart-warming sentiments to their friends and family over Skype (they're
either sentiments or death threats. I dunno I only took 2 years of Spanish).
Then the altos come in. They're the drug addicts screaming at each other from 3
stories below. That part can be disturbing but it's ok because then the soprano
comes in… an Irish stag party will often pass and drown all this out with their
drunken rugby chants. We live on the busiest street, right in the city centre
which is why we get front row seats to this concert each night (location,
location, location). But it's all part of the charm. The room smells like we're
living inside of a giant pizza box that someone farted in. If you want to get
rid of the smell you generally have to spray something or light a candle but
then it just smells like farty-pizza scented candle. Which some people could be
into. I dunno. I prefer lavender. We order pizza every single night because
apparently we would rather become personified versions of whatever I imagine
gluten to be than actually walk down 3 flights of stairs and venture into a grocery
store. If I have to eat one more pizza I may be forced to crush myself under
our beer bottle collection and become the new permanent fixture, squished on
the floor opposite Mr. Shag fly. And no one wants that (I don't have the same
post-impressionist charm as Mr. Shag fly).
END RANT
END RANT
So yah! That's what I'm working with these days.
Not exactly the Hilton but I like it. Until, that is, I stumbled back into the
sweet SWEET luxury that is La Casa de Mis Padres (there's some of that second
year Spanish again for ya.) Let me tell you, it has multiple rooms, a full
sized fridge, AND tissue paper. It's funny how you don't realize how rich your
parents are before you move out but damn... it is a lavish life they lead. So
without further ado (and I know there was a lot of ado), these are the:
Top 10 Luxuries of Adult Domestic Life
1) Multiple rooms. If someone is in a room and you
don't want to be around anyone, YOU CAN WALK INTO A DIFFERENT ROOM. Privacy can
in fact be more than putting in your headphones and a blanket over your eyes or
running into a communal bathroom stall to cry softly. LUXURY.
2) You can sing as loudly as you want! I’m talking
belting show tunes at the top of your lungs and there’s a whole yard between
you and the next house. Anyone who likes to sing will automatically get this
and anyone who doesn't won't so that's all I need to say. You can sing as loudly
as you want. LUXURY.
3) Watching TV on an actual TV so you can do shit
on your computer at the same time. LUXURY.
4) A car gets you places and it does it faster than
your legs would. LUXURY.
5) You can go to the fridge and its full of stuff
other than beer and moldy Tupper ware that you’re going to end up throwing out
instead of cleaning. LUXURY.
6) When you answer the door it’s probably just
something you ordered from amazon and not a junkie who found his way into the
building. LUXURY.
7) The fire alarm will probably only ever go off
when there’s a fire. LUXURY.
8) Your family probably won’t set a mattress on
fire. LUXURY.
9) Your neighbors aren’t clearly orchestrating a
complex drug ring with the homeless people in your community. LUXURY.
10) FINALLY (and this is the big one): Toilet paper
and… tissue paper. I feel that this is one of the most underrated differences
between adult domestic life and… whatever the fuck I’m doing right now. They
have two different types of paper, each of which cater to TWO DIFFERENT TYPES
OF SKIN! They cater SPECIFICALLY to ass or nose. This is a luxury that I never
knew was a luxury. I’ll know that I’ve made it in life when I buy separate
types of fabric to wipe my ass and my nose. SUCCESS. Also…. *whispered* LUXURY.
So yes. Someday I hope to achieve this level of
success and luxury but it’s important to remember that it is not in the stars
for everyone. Don’t set your sights too high. Don’t reach for the stars. That’s
scary. Just reach for a near by ledge. Any who, for now I’m going to soak it
all up and use this valuable time to treat myself. And also to hang out with
pets, which is actually the part I envy most about an adult domestic life.
Being able to have fur people that greet you at the door when you walk in and
cuddle with you at night and cause adorable chaos is the ultimate luxury. Can’t
wait till I’m responsible and in one place enough to have a pet, and I will
treat them to all the toilet and tissue paper that their little fur person
heart desires.
Luxury. |